Eddie Vedder of the band “Pearl Jam” made a fool of himself in Las Vegas when he said mean things about America’s new favorite football player, Harrison Butker.
“He really made an ass of himself,” said a boomer who still watches football but pretends he doesn’t, “I’m boycotting Pearl Jam. And also, Beyonce isn’t country.”
He’s got that right, patriots. Let’s not lose sight of what’s really important here, and that’s the fact that only athletes and celebrities with a positive message of Christian faith and archaic values matter. Anyone else is literally just waiting to go to hell.
That’s why we love Harrison. He’s the perfect piece of fictional red meat for the geriatric potatoes we’ve turned into nonsense carnivores. They’re eating up every headline.
In case you’re just tuning in, yes. This entire thing is a trolling operation. AQ honeypot for hateful Boomers. They confirmed their bias in that first paragraph up there and clicked a shiny ad, so we can just say it out loud.
We look forward to sending Joe Barron to investigate the story and asking Tara Newhole her opinion. There’s a possibility that Art Tubolls will make a special guest appearance but don’t hold your breath. He’s Joe’s manager and he’ll likely be busy setting up his next gig as the Yemeni Envoy to Botswana.
