In a shocking twist that has Capitol Hill buzzing louder than a caffeine-fueled filibuster, the four ranking members of the now-defunct January 6th “Unselect” Committee are reportedly facing criminal investigations by the Department of Justice.
Sources close to the investigation — who may or may not have graduated from the University of Reddit — claim that a “mountain of evidence” has surfaced, allegedly proving that the committee falsified documents, tampered with security footage, and intimidated key witnesses during its high-profile proceedings.
The individuals in question — former Chairman Bennie Thompson, former Vice Chair Liz Cheney, Rep. Adam Kinzinger, and Rep. Jamie Raskin — now find themselves at the center of a rapidly evolving legal storm.
“All four of them are looking at criminal conspiracy, perjury before Congress, and political corruption charges,” said a source who only identified himself as “PatriotFreedomEagle1776.” While these allegations remain unconfirmed by any official government outlet, that hasn’t stopped the internet from running wild with speculation.
Perhaps the most explosive development is the claim that the presidential pardons issued to the four members in early 2023 were recently nullified. Legal scholars are baffled. “You can’t really nullify a pardon,” one constitutional law professor stated, “unless we’re now just making things up as we go. Which, apparently, we are.”
Critics of the committee have long decried its work as partisan political theater, accusing its members of targeting former President Donald Trump while ignoring questions about the security breakdown on that day. Now, those critics are gleefully pointing fingers, demanding full accountability.
“Justice is coming,” proclaimed one popular meme, showing Liz Cheney photoshopped behind bars next to a smug-looking bald eagle. T-shirts and coffee mugs with “Indict the Unselects” have already begun flooding online marketplaces.
Social media platforms are ablaze with hashtags like #CheneyConspiracy, #KinzingerGate, and the ever-popular #DOJDrama. In response, the four former committee members have released a joint statement: “These accusations are completely false, politically motivated, and—most importantly—not grounded in any form of reality.”
Which, ironically, may be the only part of this story that’s entirely true.
As of press time, the Department of Justice has not officially confirmed any investigation. When reached for comment, one DOJ spokesperson simply sighed and said, “Please stop forwarding us memes as evidence.”
