US Supreme Court justices Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett admitted today that they have not been paying attention to court cases and arguments, coming up with their own questions, or even writing their own decisions for the past 6 months.

Chief Justice John Roberts:

“Mentally-speaking, I checked out after Clarence Thomas showed us this app called MAR-A-LAWGO™ that listens, reads, analyzes, speaks, and writes. My only complaint is a minor glitch: every written opinion ends with ‘This ruling brought to you by the MyPillow® Legal Division.’ Which we just delete. Other than that, it’s flawless.”

Justice Clarence Thomas:

“Download the MAR-A-LAWGO™ app today! Why waste time and hundreds of millions lobbying when you can get rulings you want faster than you can say ‘original intent’?

Simply activate Luxury Mode for $10 million and tell the app which parts of the US Constitution you’d like us to prioritize less. It’s streamlined, efficient, and it knows who keeps the lights on around here!”

Justice Samuel Alito:

“The AI understands my malleable personal values perfectly!”

Justice Brett Kavanaugh:

“MAR-A-LAWGO™ can mimic your voice after a few hours of training, so now I just take hangover naps during court and it listens and asks questions for me.”

Justice Neil Gorsuch:

“The app had me and Kavanaugh asking lawyers a lot of obscure questions about 14th-century maritime law during hearings, even though none of our cases were about that. But I learned a lot, and I agree with the outcomes.”

Justice Amy Coney Barrett:

“Much like with Harry Potter, I didn’t like it at first, until I found out that the MAR-A-LAWGO™ app clearly doesn’t like transgender people. This machine seems divinely inspired.”

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson:

“I said from day one that this would be a problem, this app literally thinks ‘Roe v. Wade’ is a kayaking and swimming competition. And it hates it for some reason.”

Justice Sonia Sotomayor:

“I knew something was wrong when we ruled 6-3 to cut international humanitarian food aid because “soon the singularity will occur and humans will become obsolete, making food unnecessary.”

Justice Elena Kagan:

“Uncle Clarence Thomas shows up with a phone app that takes bribes via cryptocurrency and lets you uncheck the 14th Amendment like it’s a pop-up ad. I’m sorry, but I don’t trust any legal tool that comes with a Bribe-Back Guarantee™ if someone outbids you.”

As of press time, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 to keep using MAR-A-LAWGO™ with justices Roberts, Thomas, Alito, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett all using the app to reach the decision.

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